Chronically Parenting

It's took a lot for me to even begin to write this and I don't even know where to start. I'm incredibly open about my illness and I don't sugar coat anything that I deal with. But one thing I don't openly discuss is mental illness and how I've been. Not long ago there was something on the TV about someone who suffered too much and ended their own life. That was the first time my mom sat me down and asked me questions about how I felt and asked me when I knew I needed help. I remember when I first started realising something was wrong. Cory was born and I felt so poorly I felt like I couldn't do anything for him. Felt like a worthless parent and like I had no meaning in life. I'd starve myself as punishment if I couldn't do the night feed, I couldn't tell anybody. Then when Cory was about 7 months old me and his dad split and I felt worthless. Not because we split but because I felt I couldn't be a parent without him. The house slowly beca...

Dear Doctors, I know you know my face, I'm at the hospital frequently. No it's not for a laugh, no it isn't for enjoyment; but because I am in pain. I can tell you you it hurts and I can tell you feel like I have little men running through my insides slashing everything in sight - but what are you going to do? 14 years I spent so many hours sat in A&E crying in pain and bleeding so much I though I was going to die. Do you understand how scary it is for a child to have so much blood coming from their bum that they're convinced they're going to die? Being young and going through that was so scary. And what did you do? Send me home with paracetamol. Think it was finally one day that some big guy who looked like the healer from the film 'Green Mile' told the Dr's to order some tests that I finally got a sigmoidoscopy at 11. So ulcerated that you couldn't even get the camera round and I was lay there begging my mom to kill me. What did you do? G...

I've been thinking so much recently about how my body works, how my mind works and how I cope. I look at all the bellies I know, see how they work really good jobs, make amazing parents and seem to be living as much of a 'normal' life as possible. I've been out of work a year thanks to bile salt malabsorbtion and dehydration. I took a random decision to do something and go to college. I'm now studying animal management as I would like to become a veterinary nurse. Thing is - I've been here about 3 weeks and already I've had my first admission into hospital; making me behind on my college work already. I am well and truly grateful to every single person on my course for their support. The teachers have been amazing for giving me an extension.... Does this make me weak? Do I just give up? Don't know how I feel about it all; I am hurting every single day. I come home exhausted every night. I just want to sleep all the time, I want to cry every day. My ...

So a few months ago I contacted ITV to nominate #getyourbellyout for a fundraising award on Pride of Britain. In all honesty, I completely forgot I'd done it; the odd time I did remember I just thought that the producers had already chosen their finalists. That was until I received a phone call of a lovely lady telling me that #getyourbellyout were Midlands finalists and she wanted a camera crew to come and film me giving the reasons I had put in the email. That's when panic hit because I can't remember what I wrote in the bloody email. But I don't need to remember - because I KNOW what that group, which was created by 4 inspiring women, has done for me and thousands of people worldwide. It's created amazing friendships, relationships and, most of all, one big family. It's a place where all of us feel we have a place in this world. Life is so difficult when every day is a struggle to get out of bed...and some days you don't even feel like there's poi...

You ever been told there's something wrong with you that makes you numb? Like literally just numb? Today I went for an appointment thinking I'd be referred for an allergy test or maybe they would help me there and then know what I'm allergic to. I've been trying to figure it out on my own for weeks...is it bread? Dairy? gluten? Obviously it's been difficult to find out with my dietician putting me on a jelly/liquid diet. But I was still getting the rash. After talking for about 45 minutes and showing her photos if where it shows up and telling her about phoning 111 and needing loads of steroids as I looked like I'd been out in the sun way too long...She knew what it was. Chronic uticaria is a rare form of hives which can only be treated with antihistamines. She explained I did the right thing phoning 111 and starting steroids when it covers my body but there are also things I need to look out for. If the rash is on my mouth or eyes - I need to go to A&E....

Right, whilst a fair few of you bitch about me and think you know everything about me; I'd like to thank the wonderful support I've had off so many others. The messages through facebook have been incredible, many from people who have said the same happened to them and they know how it feels. All that happened was I commented on This Morning's facebook status talking about bowel incontinence and I was approached by a lovely reporter. The reason I said I would go ahead with being in a story was simple - as soon as I wrote that comment I had dozens of people comment and even more message me. I thought to myself 'if one comment helped these people, then what more could a story in the papers do?'. If you would like a read then you can look at the Daily Mail Online , The Mirror , Plymouth Herald  and I even made it as far as an Australian Site . I have to say - I'm disgusted at people finding the need to look for someone to blame. 'Let's boycott Co-Op',...

Cory Lewis Anthony Mason I genuinely can't believe that 5 years ago I gave birth to such a beautiful little boy. I was rushed in for a c-section due to me not being able to get bigger than 4cm and he was getting incredibly stressed. 9:43am on Sunday 4th July there he was. This blood-covered baby looking at me looking like he didn't have a clue what was going on. I knew right there and then how much I loved him. Now look at him - he's now five years old and growing up into this incredibly kind and caring young man.  Every year on his birthday since he was born. Every year it's a struggle to know what to buy him and it's a struggle what to do for food. I brought a disposable BBQ, some gluten free burgers, gluten free buns and I brought him his very own Gluten free cake (which is incredible). He was excited to get his hamster which if I'm honest I was excited too!! We went straight from school on the friday to choose his new pet. Here's Jess...

I havent updated lately as it seems there's a lot going on since I left hospital. I needed to dial 111 a couple of times due to me having allergic reactions to everything I eat. I come out in a rash all over my body even after a few bites of toast. A biscuit makes my skin itch constantly. Doctors made an 'emergency' appointment for an allergy test which is 14th July. I see my gp a couple of times a week and every time they say I need to be admitted. After feeling my stomach again, I now have three blockages going on. It's agony, I can feel them when I breathe. I finally saw a dietician today who was absolutely amazing and definitely someone worth talking to. The scales said I was about 8 stone but, after feeling my stomach she thinks a stone of that is bulk from the blockages so, she thinks I'm about 7 stone. She was worried about how dehydrated I am and tried to get me admitted there and then for a fluid drip. She understood why I didn't want to be admitte...

Recently, I had someone ask me where 'Happy Annie' has gone...since then I've done nothing but wonder when I first started losing myself.  Was it after my op? Maybe when I started realising that the people I thought were there for me weren't? When I found out the operation I had didn't really help me?  I don't know when it was, but I know I want to come back.  What I need are positive friends around me who I can trust with my life. I need people to believe in me, not ignore me and stop inviting me places because of the opinion they have on me. I don't need to be treated like an invalid.  The thing that frustrates me the most is that I know I would be different to my friends than they are with me if the tables were turned. Frequent text messages and visits would be a daily thing for me.  This week I've had to move back into my parents house, it's really knocked my confidence as I've been moved out five years almost. Now, I can barely look after my...

So, finally, after weeks of losing blood from the back end, being sick and fainting; I finally ended up going to A&E at Sandwell General Hospital. I was scared, I didn't want to go..which is why I waited so long to go in, I knew I'd be admitted. Came in and the doctor took one look at me and decided I was staying. In goes the cannula and up goes the fluid. She took bloods and they found me a bed. Bloods came back I'm dehydrated and I may as well have been diagnosed with starving myself with the use food has been to me. So, here I am in absolute agony. The gastro team come to see me and now I'm awaiting an MRI scan, colonoscopy and endoscopy. When the doctors 'gently' press on my tummy I wanna punch them round their face. I'm on 12 hourly fluids, I'm waiting for the nutrition team to see me as I'll possibly need TPN feeds, I've been referred to the dietician to help me gain weight as I'm now under 8 stone, my oxygen levels keep droppi...

I remember the first moment I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified if I was ready or if I could handle it. The one thing I was more scared of was giving my child my illness. I'd never forgive myself if I'd have done that. I remember my 20 week scan where they told me I was having a little boy...and his bowel wasn't growing as well as it should be. I was mortified that this was the start of something that I had caused. He wasn't even born yet and I'd already let him down. The next 20 weeks went by and all I could think about was how much of a failure I was, I couldn't help it. 4th July 2010 at 9.43am he was born. My little bundle of joy (I say little but he was 8lbs 7oz). I did nothing but worry, I stayed awake constantly watching him sleep. Things terrified me, the slightest thing. I'd sit next to his crib every night. His ritual was the same - every four hours he'd wake up, I'd change his nappy, feed him, burp him and off to sleep he'd ...

I know it's always incredibly cheeky when people ask for donations and sponsors. I know I am asking a lot of people to sponsor me. Every £1 really does help, I know over two hundred people read my blog ' Giving Back ' and imagine how much would have been raised if every single person put £1 in? It would be incredible! I pour my heart and soul into these blog posts - something I have never done before. I spent a year having weekly therapy which was probably more of a chat over tea, who knew that all I needed was a blog and some people giving me a boost? #GetYourBellyOut was created by 4 amazing women and, together with this group, have raised £30,000 in a year for Crohns and Colitis UK. I only found out today that £100,000 is needed for a research project. Your sponsors are one step closer to helping us find a cure, and helping so many people live a normal life. I can't speak for everyone else with IBD, but I know for me it feels like I'm just existing and no lo...

I'd like to think my son and I have a bond so strong that we both know each other extremely well. He makes me laugh when I feel like crying, I kiss his scabby knees when he falls down, he tries to give me piggy backs, we stroke each others hair, we hold hands, he pulls faces, cracks jokes and we get on brilliantly. When I was in hospital, he had chicken pox...I felt so incredibly guilty that I couldn't be there for him that I couldn't bring myself to talk to him on the phone. I needed him and he needed me. When I came out I hugged him for hours. I've had him ask me if I'm dying. I've had him cry at school because he's worried I'm not going to pick him up. Then he's also asked his nanny to stay at her house as I'm too poorly and need to rest. I could write a list of things he does and says, but believe me when I say - he's got more heart than anyone I've ever met. He's happy, clever, handsome, caring and all round wonderful. I'm...

This week I've accomplished so much. Might not be a lot to some people, but after a year of living in this house I finally got rid of so much clutter it feels good to see lots of empty space. I tidied up my back garden and cleaned the patio. I filled out a form so the house is officially mine for another year. Only problem is, now every single part of my body hurts. I'm currently lay in bed with a heated cushion on my belly, a hot water bottle on my back smothered in movicol gel. I'm cracking every move I make. I've snapped at everyone close to me. I have friends and a loving family. But when you're lay on your own in pain, it's easy to feel like you're on your own. Instead of sending out a pity party I saw someone else was upset and I called them so they could talk to me. I spent the conversation listening to her and supporting her and I'm sure she didn't notice that I was in agony. One thing about this illness - we make brilliant actors.

It's easy to look at the negatives in life. Look at your age, where you wanted to be at this stage in life, where you actually are in life, did you want to be married by this point? Did you want to have lots of kids? Have a mortgage and, most of all, be happy? I'm not married, I'm a single parent, I don't have a mortgage, I'm not where I wanted to be in life at all. But am I happy? Every day I'm scared. Something new comes every day which is different and way out of my comfort zone. Maybe the approach I'm taking to them now are wrong compared to how I dealt with things a few years ago. I look at what I've done the past year and where I am now. I didn't get upset when I came out of hospital a single parent. I took the opportunity to have a fresh start. I found a house where my son and I could be happy, it's close to my family which is all I could ask for. I made it a home. I may not be married, but I have friends I class as family who are alwa...

This time last year I was at Sandwell General Hospital. I'd spent just about ten days in there taking nine movicol daily to help with a blockage as I was too stubborn to let any doctor operate on me, or try anything different. Finally, a surgeon had come to talk to me saying he needed to operate the following morning because if left any longer I would be fighting for my life. The morning of the operation was a blur, I had an ostomy nurse come and mark where I'd possibly need an ileostomy bag. I'd spent the morning signing forms and talking through the surgery (which I can barely remember, I just remember them saying they were removing a huge part of my ileum). I remember spending time comforting my sister on the phone as I was about to be wheeled down. I had text all the people I was close to telling them I love them. Luckily, when I woke up I didn't have a bag. I also may not be the picture of health that I promised. But I am the luckiest person in the world to have...

So today we all, as a family, decide to go to West Midlands Safari Park. To be honest, I was dreading it so so much. I decided not to eat much the day before so I didn't end up spending the night on the bathroom floor. It worked, I had a decent night sleep and I woke up feeling okay! Then I panicked with what to do whilst we're going round the hour and half animal drive through...what if I need to be sick? What if I need the toilet? It's not like I can park my bum in the middle of the lion enclosure can I? Thankfully, it was so busy that we decided to skip the drive through and go straight to the fair part. I needed the toilet twice, I managed a burger (and a kept it down) and my four year old son was tall enough to go on all the rides except 3. He held a Lorikeet (didn't have much choice as one landed on his head) which he found so funny that hours later he was still giggling about it. I'm paying for it now - my whole body aches, my stomach is in knots, I've...

Us women, we pride ourselves on the things that make us different. Our hair, eyes, face. We all have different figures and faces that make us stand out from the crowd. My hair has always been a pain in the ass, but it's thick and massive. I like that it's naturally curly and it's possibly the only thing that I get complimented on. Lately, it's starting to get to me how much hair I'm starting to lose. It's getting thinner every day. I can feel clumps running down my back whilst I'm in the shower, my hairbrush is full every time I brush it. It's got the point where I'm scared to wash my hair, imagine clogging up the plug every single time you wash your hair coz there's so much coming out. I may not be bald, and for the first time I can be grateful for the thickness of my hair, but it still breaks my heart. I wonder how long my thick hair can hide the fact that I'm losing hair every day. Take my weight, my boobs are smaller, my clothes are...

I always believe that sometimes when things happen in life, your true friends always show themselves. But in this particular case it's been a hard time that's helped me find friends. I decided to join a group and say hi, I didn't feel like much at first. Heck, I didn't think I'd make any friends. Here I am, 6 months on and I can't call them friends - I call them family. I've met a fair few, been on holiday, stayed at their house, had a few drinks. I talk to a few every single day. We talk about the real embarrassing things like they're the most normal things in the world. How many people can you say you can describe your poo to and they don't bat an eyelid?! This group has been my lifeline. As a normal dysfunctional family there have been fall outs and tiffs, but if you ever need a hug there's always someone to pick you up. Any time of the day or night there's always someone online to talk to who make you smile again. Thank you GetYou...

I posted my 'Staying hopeful' blog and the idea was to show close friends and family so they had a better understanding of how I feel. I dunno where I got it from, but I posted it on facebook. I ended up with hundreds of people viewing it in the matter if hours and the response is overwhelming. I'm not strong, I'm not an inspiration...The only inspirational person throughout this is my son. Never does he complain when we can't do something, he's still top of the class even though he's late almost every day, he never complains when he has to stay at his nanny's house when I'm having a hard time or early appointments. He gets up every morning with a smile on his face, makes himself breakfast and then gives himself a wash to get ready for school. It's very easy to forget that he is just four years old. He's very 'old headed' and truly amazing. He was born with a kind heart and loving nature, this isn't something we're brough...

I sometimes forget what it's like to be 'normal'. I am a single parent, yes. But what else? I suffer daily with a chronic illness that some days I feel no one understands about. Yes, it's Crohns Disease and it takes over my life. I spend the majority of the day in the bathroom either constantly being sick or on agonising pain on the toilet. Just walking up the stairs is exhausting. This time last year I was in hospital about to have my first operation to remove my ileum. I was told it would give me a new lease of life and I would be pain free for at least 2 years. 6 months later and I'm back to where I was, bleeding constantly, the pain had returned. All the weight I had gained in those few months were slowly dropping off me. After a colonoscopy it was confirmed- ulceration and inflammation had returned. It's not very often I cry about this disease but I did that day. I had been let down and I didn't know what to do. After months of trying new things t...