Little secrets

It's took a lot for me to even begin to write this and I don't even know where to start.
I'm incredibly open about my illness and I don't sugar coat anything that I deal with. But one thing I don't openly discuss is mental illness and how I've been.
Not long ago there was something on the TV about someone who suffered too much and ended their own life. That was the first time my mom sat me down and asked me questions about how I felt and asked me when I knew I needed help.
I remember when I first started realising something was wrong. Cory was born and I felt so poorly I felt like I couldn't do anything for him. Felt like a worthless parent and like I had no meaning in life. I'd starve myself as punishment if I couldn't do the night feed, I couldn't tell anybody.
Then when Cory was about 7 months old me and his dad split and I felt worthless. Not because we split but because I felt I couldn't be a parent without him. The house slowly became more and more messy. I'd barely speak to my family and I'd constantly argue with my sister and tell her to stay out of Corys life. I wasn't me at all. I remember getting into my car driving as fast as I could and I was prepared there and then to steer it into the nearest tree to end it all. I was driving and I didn't know where I was, I felt completely lost. I called my Dr who stayed on the phone calming me down for half an hour who got me in within the next hour. She started me on a load of pills and I started CBT once a week for a year - which was mandatory for me for obvious reasons.
Yeah I got better but it's never gone away.
When things got too hard and I couldn't cope I'd self harm. My friend who is studying being a nurse helped nurse some infected cuts on my leg - something I know she hasn't ever told anyone and something I've thanked her for over 100 times.
I still blame myself for a lot of things, I still feel like a burden to my family and to my friends.
I'm incredibly grateful to the ones who stuck around when I was at my worst and listened to me cry. Be there just for a hug or a text.
This year may have been one of the hardest I've ever had, but in a way I've never felt better.
It's made me see and realise a lot of things. I knew my family were incredible, but this year they completely out done themselves. The amount of times I've been in hospital it's stupid and without my family around I can't imagine where cory would have ended up. Thank you doesn't even come close to what I want to say. The same way sorry doesn't come close for how I acted in the past.
All I can say is it wasn't the real me. Your head takes over your heart and you genuinely feel like everyone hates you. Like everyone's talking behind your back, no one wants you and no one likes you. Everyone else is better than you and you are nothing.
I was here but I just existed. There was no love in me, there was no hate - it's like I was a shadow.
Nome of this probably makes sense but if it helps anyone change their mind on mental health or just be there for someone who pushes them away. Please realise it's not their fault, please realise they need your help and not your anger for how they're being. It's not their fault.
I never ever thought this would happen to me, I always credited myself to be a strong person.
Now I openly admit I'm not strong.
I annoy people, I moan. People probably do hate me, but I genuinely don't care anymore.
I have everyone around me that I love and care about who I know care about me and that's all that matters.