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Burnt toast

The moment my mom was sent to hospital I knew that was it. She was so poorly, confused, skin and bone and needed a machine to help her breathe. Living so far away was difficult to see her but I had to. I had to say goodbye whilst she still knew who I was. Her last words to me were 'I know you're talking to me like this because you think I'm going to die. I'm not going anywhere'. I didn't sleep for the whole time she was in there. I kept my phone on loud 24/7. She accidentally called me once saying how well she was and she'll be home soon. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep and missed 40+ text messages and 30+ missed calls whilst my phone was on loud. I woke up, looked at my phone and as my sister called I answered it and said 'she's gone isn't she?' And she had. I put the phone down, knocked on my next door neighbours door and as soon as she opened I just shouted that my mom died. I cried for for like 5 minutes and that was it.
The funeral was easy. The humanist who performed the ceremony was amazing it was like she knew my mom. The music was beautiful and the people there supporting us will always be remembered to me.

Coping is very difficult. She was my all time best friend and we spoke every single day.

Without people wanting to visit me, pay attention to me or talk to me I feel like no-one cares. I crave the attention and affection my mom gave me. She complimented me, she told me she was proud of me, she understood me more than anyone in my whole life. I could tell her how low I felt. I could tell her how poorly I felt and I could also tell her when I was happy. I told her absolutely everything. I called her once because there was a fly stuck on the fly trap making lots of noise so I called her to listen.

I can't sleep because as soon as I start to doze off I dream that she's awake so I wake up and it's like I've lost her all over again. I feel like I'm replaying losing her every single day.

I was making spaghetti on toast and I realised I keep burning my toast purposely. For the record, I hate burnt toast. I love it light. But my mom loved it burnt. I'm doing things my mom liked but I hate.

I've been so lost, alone, angry, hurt - name an emotion and I've felt it. But I've realised I've not really lost her. She's everywhere around me. She's guiding me, she's making me burn my toast to remind me she's there. As long as I can still hear her voice in my head then she's not truly gone. She's around my son and she's around me.

I will always love you mom. You will always be my inspiration - you fought an illness every single day and even though you admitted you cried; you never cried in front of us. You were in pain and you hid it. You suffered and you hid it. Everyone remembers you as being kind and bubble and lovely to strangers. Even the staff at Tesco knew you as it was the only place you could get to and not suffer too much. I promise Cory will never see me suffer. I promise I will be a mom you'll be proud of. I obviously will never be as good as you, but you'll guide me every step of the way. I love you mom, my best friend and my guide. You'll always be my number one

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