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My Rock

I remember the first moment I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified if I was ready or if I could handle it. The one thing I was more scared of was giving my child my illness. I'd never forgive myself if I'd have done that. I remember my 20 week scan where they told me I was having a little boy...and his bowel wasn't growing as well as it should be. I was mortified that this was the start of something that I had caused. He wasn't even born yet and I'd already let him down.
The next 20 weeks went by and all I could think about was how much of a failure I was, I couldn't help it.
4th July 2010 at 9.43am he was born. My little bundle of joy (I say little but he was 8lbs 7oz).
I did nothing but worry, I stayed awake constantly watching him sleep. Things terrified me, the slightest thing. I'd sit next to his crib every night.
His ritual was the same - every four hours he'd wake up, I'd change his nappy, feed him, burp him and off to sleep he'd go. He was two weeks old when he woke up, I lay him down and he started turning purple. His dialled dialled 999 whilst I turned him over on my arm and I started violently slapping his back. After what felt like a lifetime, vomit came out of his nose and his mouth. He was rushed to hospital to have his airways checked, they told me I save his life. All it did was make me panic more.
My family were in Devon and my mom had the bags packed ready to come home. I think after she reads this will be the first time she knows how badly I needed her. I just didn't want to ruin her holiday.
After that, I slept him on his side and I stayed staring at him constantly.
Then he had colic....which I was convinced was something more. When he turned 6/7 months that's when I saw the blood in his poo. I told the doctors and they said it was constipation. I knew it was more. It was only when he was around one that I was so convinced it was more that I took him to A&E and demanded a blood test. It came back he had coeliacs disease. It was like my whole world fell apart.
Was it my fault?
For what seemed like forever I couldn't look at him the same way.

It took me such a long time to realise that instead of punishing myself, I needed to be there for him. I'm his mom and dad rolled into one, and I know I do a good job.
He never complains that he eats different things at school, he still has a smile on his face when he has a bad belly. He's my world just as much as I am his. Our bond is so strong, it's like we're the same person in one. It makes me laugh sometimes how well we know each other. He gives the best hugs ever, and I can't imagine a life without Cory in it. He makes the world a better place to be in.

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