I sometimes forget what it's like to be 'normal'. I am a single parent, yes. But what else? I suffer daily with a chronic illness that some days I feel no one understands about. Yes, it's Crohns Disease and it takes over my life.
I spend the majority of the day in the bathroom either constantly being sick or on agonising pain on the toilet. Just walking up the stairs is exhausting.
This time last year I was in hospital about to have my first operation to remove my ileum. I was told it would give me a new lease of life and I would be pain free for at least 2 years.
6 months later and I'm back to where I was, bleeding constantly, the pain had returned. All the weight I had gained in those few months were slowly dropping off me.
After a colonoscopy it was confirmed- ulceration and inflammation had returned. It's not very often I cry about this disease but I did that day. I had been let down and I didn't know what to do.
After months of trying new things they then find out that there were actually complications from the operation that have caused me to not absorb bile. Which can mean the colon works harder..making more frequent toilet visits and increased sickness. So this is why I'm losing 2kg a week.
People ask me how I am and I say I'm okay. The people who see me every day don't see me cry.
Inside I'm screaming. Screaming for someone or something to help take this pain away. I can't enjoy myself with my friends, I let people down all the time. I have high expectations of myself which I can't seem to accomplish.
Every day I look at my little boy, my happy little boy and I feel like I'm letting him down.
People tell me my best is good enough, but the thing is I don't find its good enough for me.
I'm still trying to work out the balance of when I'm okay and when I'm not. But it's when others tell me I'm not that really gets me down.
Every day I convince myself I CAN do this then there's always someone telling me not to.
I know, deep down, I need to be stronger. But sometimes it's not the case of giving yourself a shake and you'll be okay. It's also listening to your body. Which mine is dehydrated and malnourished and hurts, alot.
One day I'll be able to look past this dark cloud and say I got through it, and I got through it with the peple around me who I know will also be there when I'm ready to get a nice outfit on, hit the town and get drunk.
I spend the majority of the day in the bathroom either constantly being sick or on agonising pain on the toilet. Just walking up the stairs is exhausting.
This time last year I was in hospital about to have my first operation to remove my ileum. I was told it would give me a new lease of life and I would be pain free for at least 2 years.
6 months later and I'm back to where I was, bleeding constantly, the pain had returned. All the weight I had gained in those few months were slowly dropping off me.
After a colonoscopy it was confirmed- ulceration and inflammation had returned. It's not very often I cry about this disease but I did that day. I had been let down and I didn't know what to do.
After months of trying new things they then find out that there were actually complications from the operation that have caused me to not absorb bile. Which can mean the colon works harder..making more frequent toilet visits and increased sickness. So this is why I'm losing 2kg a week.
People ask me how I am and I say I'm okay. The people who see me every day don't see me cry.
Inside I'm screaming. Screaming for someone or something to help take this pain away. I can't enjoy myself with my friends, I let people down all the time. I have high expectations of myself which I can't seem to accomplish.
Every day I look at my little boy, my happy little boy and I feel like I'm letting him down.
People tell me my best is good enough, but the thing is I don't find its good enough for me.
I'm still trying to work out the balance of when I'm okay and when I'm not. But it's when others tell me I'm not that really gets me down.
Every day I convince myself I CAN do this then there's always someone telling me not to.
I know, deep down, I need to be stronger. But sometimes it's not the case of giving yourself a shake and you'll be okay. It's also listening to your body. Which mine is dehydrated and malnourished and hurts, alot.
One day I'll be able to look past this dark cloud and say I got through it, and I got through it with the peple around me who I know will also be there when I'm ready to get a nice outfit on, hit the town and get drunk.
Comments
Post a Comment