Chronically Parenting

I remember the first moment I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified if I was ready or if I could handle it. The one thing I was more scared of was giving my child my illness. I'd never forgive myself if I'd have done that. I remember my 20 week scan where they told me I was having a little boy...and his bowel wasn't growing as well as it should be. I was mortified that this was the start of something that I had caused. He wasn't even born yet and I'd already let him down. The next 20 weeks went by and all I could think about was how much of a failure I was, I couldn't help it. 4th July 2010 at 9.43am he was born. My little bundle of joy (I say little but he was 8lbs 7oz). I did nothing but worry, I stayed awake constantly watching him sleep. Things terrified me, the slightest thing. I'd sit next to his crib every night. His ritual was the same - every four hours he'd wake up, I'd change his nappy, feed him, burp him and off to sleep he'd ...

I know it's always incredibly cheeky when people ask for donations and sponsors. I know I am asking a lot of people to sponsor me. Every £1 really does help, I know over two hundred people read my blog ' Giving Back ' and imagine how much would have been raised if every single person put £1 in? It would be incredible! I pour my heart and soul into these blog posts - something I have never done before. I spent a year having weekly therapy which was probably more of a chat over tea, who knew that all I needed was a blog and some people giving me a boost? #GetYourBellyOut was created by 4 amazing women and, together with this group, have raised £30,000 in a year for Crohns and Colitis UK. I only found out today that £100,000 is needed for a research project. Your sponsors are one step closer to helping us find a cure, and helping so many people live a normal life. I can't speak for everyone else with IBD, but I know for me it feels like I'm just existing and no lo...

I'd like to think my son and I have a bond so strong that we both know each other extremely well. He makes me laugh when I feel like crying, I kiss his scabby knees when he falls down, he tries to give me piggy backs, we stroke each others hair, we hold hands, he pulls faces, cracks jokes and we get on brilliantly. When I was in hospital, he had chicken pox...I felt so incredibly guilty that I couldn't be there for him that I couldn't bring myself to talk to him on the phone. I needed him and he needed me. When I came out I hugged him for hours. I've had him ask me if I'm dying. I've had him cry at school because he's worried I'm not going to pick him up. Then he's also asked his nanny to stay at her house as I'm too poorly and need to rest. I could write a list of things he does and says, but believe me when I say - he's got more heart than anyone I've ever met. He's happy, clever, handsome, caring and all round wonderful. I'm...

This week I've accomplished so much. Might not be a lot to some people, but after a year of living in this house I finally got rid of so much clutter it feels good to see lots of empty space. I tidied up my back garden and cleaned the patio. I filled out a form so the house is officially mine for another year. Only problem is, now every single part of my body hurts. I'm currently lay in bed with a heated cushion on my belly, a hot water bottle on my back smothered in movicol gel. I'm cracking every move I make. I've snapped at everyone close to me. I have friends and a loving family. But when you're lay on your own in pain, it's easy to feel like you're on your own. Instead of sending out a pity party I saw someone else was upset and I called them so they could talk to me. I spent the conversation listening to her and supporting her and I'm sure she didn't notice that I was in agony. One thing about this illness - we make brilliant actors.

It's easy to look at the negatives in life. Look at your age, where you wanted to be at this stage in life, where you actually are in life, did you want to be married by this point? Did you want to have lots of kids? Have a mortgage and, most of all, be happy? I'm not married, I'm a single parent, I don't have a mortgage, I'm not where I wanted to be in life at all. But am I happy? Every day I'm scared. Something new comes every day which is different and way out of my comfort zone. Maybe the approach I'm taking to them now are wrong compared to how I dealt with things a few years ago. I look at what I've done the past year and where I am now. I didn't get upset when I came out of hospital a single parent. I took the opportunity to have a fresh start. I found a house where my son and I could be happy, it's close to my family which is all I could ask for. I made it a home. I may not be married, but I have friends I class as family who are alwa...

This time last year I was at Sandwell General Hospital. I'd spent just about ten days in there taking nine movicol daily to help with a blockage as I was too stubborn to let any doctor operate on me, or try anything different. Finally, a surgeon had come to talk to me saying he needed to operate the following morning because if left any longer I would be fighting for my life. The morning of the operation was a blur, I had an ostomy nurse come and mark where I'd possibly need an ileostomy bag. I'd spent the morning signing forms and talking through the surgery (which I can barely remember, I just remember them saying they were removing a huge part of my ileum). I remember spending time comforting my sister on the phone as I was about to be wheeled down. I had text all the people I was close to telling them I love them. Luckily, when I woke up I didn't have a bag. I also may not be the picture of health that I promised. But I am the luckiest person in the world to have...

So today we all, as a family, decide to go to West Midlands Safari Park. To be honest, I was dreading it so so much. I decided not to eat much the day before so I didn't end up spending the night on the bathroom floor. It worked, I had a decent night sleep and I woke up feeling okay! Then I panicked with what to do whilst we're going round the hour and half animal drive through...what if I need to be sick? What if I need the toilet? It's not like I can park my bum in the middle of the lion enclosure can I? Thankfully, it was so busy that we decided to skip the drive through and go straight to the fair part. I needed the toilet twice, I managed a burger (and a kept it down) and my four year old son was tall enough to go on all the rides except 3. He held a Lorikeet (didn't have much choice as one landed on his head) which he found so funny that hours later he was still giggling about it. I'm paying for it now - my whole body aches, my stomach is in knots, I've...

Us women, we pride ourselves on the things that make us different. Our hair, eyes, face. We all have different figures and faces that make us stand out from the crowd. My hair has always been a pain in the ass, but it's thick and massive. I like that it's naturally curly and it's possibly the only thing that I get complimented on. Lately, it's starting to get to me how much hair I'm starting to lose. It's getting thinner every day. I can feel clumps running down my back whilst I'm in the shower, my hairbrush is full every time I brush it. It's got the point where I'm scared to wash my hair, imagine clogging up the plug every single time you wash your hair coz there's so much coming out. I may not be bald, and for the first time I can be grateful for the thickness of my hair, but it still breaks my heart. I wonder how long my thick hair can hide the fact that I'm losing hair every day. Take my weight, my boobs are smaller, my clothes are...

I always believe that sometimes when things happen in life, your true friends always show themselves. But in this particular case it's been a hard time that's helped me find friends. I decided to join a group and say hi, I didn't feel like much at first. Heck, I didn't think I'd make any friends. Here I am, 6 months on and I can't call them friends - I call them family. I've met a fair few, been on holiday, stayed at their house, had a few drinks. I talk to a few every single day. We talk about the real embarrassing things like they're the most normal things in the world. How many people can you say you can describe your poo to and they don't bat an eyelid?! This group has been my lifeline. As a normal dysfunctional family there have been fall outs and tiffs, but if you ever need a hug there's always someone to pick you up. Any time of the day or night there's always someone online to talk to who make you smile again. Thank you GetYou...

I posted my 'Staying hopeful' blog and the idea was to show close friends and family so they had a better understanding of how I feel. I dunno where I got it from, but I posted it on facebook. I ended up with hundreds of people viewing it in the matter if hours and the response is overwhelming. I'm not strong, I'm not an inspiration...The only inspirational person throughout this is my son. Never does he complain when we can't do something, he's still top of the class even though he's late almost every day, he never complains when he has to stay at his nanny's house when I'm having a hard time or early appointments. He gets up every morning with a smile on his face, makes himself breakfast and then gives himself a wash to get ready for school. It's very easy to forget that he is just four years old. He's very 'old headed' and truly amazing. He was born with a kind heart and loving nature, this isn't something we're brough...